It’s been a bit of a weird week. I went into this week fully expecting we would receive approval. When it didn’t happen by Tuesday, I knew the chances were slim. Offices would be closed for a major Korean holiday on Wednesday and Friday was court for the rest of the families in the batch ahead of us.
Spiritually, I spent Tuesday throwing a temper tantrum to God. Why would he move these mountains for EP submission only to place us in the longest-waiting approval group in most recent history? Why did he fill us with such hope when he knows hope deferred makes the heart sick? Why would he not want these children to have forever families as soon as possible?
The kids were in Mother’s Day Out and Josh was out of town, so I spent most of the day sad and mopey on my couch.
Then Friday, I learned I had misunderstood an important part of the timeline. I thought Sam’s mom wasn’t contacted again for consent until our court date. She will actually be contacted when we are submitted to court, which happens right after the EP approval step we have been waiting on.
Suddenly, I felt so thankful, so overwhelmingly thankful in fact, that approval didn’t come at the end of July like I wanted. Why? I feel such love for his birth mom. I want to hug her and know her and usher her into our lives one day when/if the two of them are ready and desire a relationship. I want family to incorporate all of us together, her included.
I think signing another consent to place Sam for adoption would be difficult for her as she remembers Sam’s birth and the time the spent together one short year ago. If we were approved on my timeline, that adoption notice would show up in her mailbox at an already emotionally sensitive time. I don’t want to put her through any additional pain, not when I know all of this is painful enough for her and Sam both. I just want to love this little boy as much as I can for as long as live. I think love multiples. There’s no limits. I don’t want to replace her love for Sam. I want to come alongside it and offer my own in addition to hers.
So we are waiting, and that is so very okay. I still fight the urge to worry about g all the time and miss this precious boy I’ve yet to meet. I still look at his picture and ache to have him here with us. But I am reminded once again that my timing is insufficient. I am missing critical information. I do not see the larger picture. So I defer to the one who created time itself and trust that he knows when there is a season for moving mountains and a seasons to be still and know – know that he is still God, still sovereign, still love, still here.